I lost my soul to a demon (which you might have too)- A story of getting greedy
Have you ever thought: “If I only had a little bit more money — everything would change” or you thought that money will change your life?
When I started becoming self-employed, I was broke: I only had 1.000 EUR left on my back account and knew that I needed to make some cash soon.
I started with digital Marketing in 2016 because I realized that I have the necessary skills to earn money online. In 2 days I created the first Facebook Messenger Marketing course in Germany and sold it for 99 EUR each.
In only 4 days I started to earn 400 EUR per day.
This wouldn’t be interesting if I left out the part which puzzled me for another 4 years: I stopped after 2 weeks.
I earned around 6.000 EUR in 2 weeks and suddenly I pulled the break. Why on earth should I do this?
We all have inner demons — and I couldn’t see mine
This pattern, to start something with success and stop it suddenly followed me through my entire career.
It didn’t matter what kind of business idea I followed though: as soon as the idea started to get momentum my inner voice stopped it right away.
As I said: it took me 4 years to get a glimpse into the psychological pattern behind this behaviour. The same behaviour kept me for 2 years from writing new blog articles.
Every time I started something the demon stayed silent, but as soon as some “routine” emerged it raised its voice.
“What you are doing isn’t good enough.”
“You are not good enough.”
“What you achieved is worth nothing”.
This voice suddenly started to critisize my work: “400 EUR per day? If you were a true freelancer you would earn more. And, by the way, your idea sucks.”
If this demon were a true person, I would have gotten rid of it right away. But rather than to avoid this inner critic I thought this type of thoughts are completely normal.
But it got worse.
The inner critic is a demon keeping you from moving forward
The more I fed this inner demon, the stronger it grew. It became so strong that it stopped every idea right from the beginning. It compared my work to people like Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos or Bill Gates — “They wouldn’t come up with an idea that lousy”. “You want to write on medium? Nobody is going to read it — and by the way: you won’t succeed.”
If you think “Why are you listening to it?”
It gave me a promise.
When I came up with a new idea the demon first crushed it and when my self-esteem was low and vulnerable, the next phase began: Wait for the perfect idea and moment.
This demon was nourished by my dreams and ideas — but only if they are fresh and new. Therefore, it took every idea and promised me that “this one isn’t good enough. Trust me, the next one is worth it”.
So, it stayed and grew stronger and stronger with every day.
But, like a disease, it grew to every aspect of my life. It took my ambitions and left me empty and shallow. The voice created constant pressure to generate “The best possible idea” and as soon as I tried to accomplish something: whooooosh… The demon took it away.
Another reason why the demon got stronger: it exactly knows my weak spots.
I am arrogant and my demon used it against me.
I am a special snowflake (it makes me giggle to write this). If you asked me in the real world I would tell you that this “we are all special” is pretty stupid.
Yet my demon knew that I was craving for being “special” — that I am destined to make “a dent in the universe” as Steve Jobs called it once.
The demon used this against me: “If you were really special… your ideas would be better. Try again. But, give me this little idea… I want to consume it. You don’t want to be like all the others, do you?”
This weakness was exploited by my inner demon.
My inner demon made me unhappy and miserable
As the demon grew so did his appetite: it needed new ideas faster and they needed to be bigger. Suddenly every idea which wasn’t “dreamed big” wasn’t even worth considering.
As I said, it made me shallow and empty. The emptiness prevented me from enjoying my life. Why? Because every minute I enjoyed, the demon told me “You could change the world… And what are you doing right now? You are pathetic.”
So I stopped to enjoy life — I looked for new opportunities while the inner demo neglected all of them.
The turnaround was sitting on my balcony. I had amazing people around me and I felt unsettled. The demon again: “This is a waste of time.”
This was when I suddenly realized that I am cursed. Cursed from my inner demon — an inner critic so strong and so powerful that it creeped into every aspect of my daily life.
Every word I write is commented by the inner demon:
“Nobody is going to read it”.
“They will laugh about you”.
It’s really hard to fight against a voice so strong and powerful. It will take quite a long time until I get rid of the voice — maybe I won’t forever.
My wish for you is that if you have this same inner critic who is never satisfied: Try to see it clear and break the bonds of it. We all have this one life and its our duty — in my eyes at least — to life it with serenity and to help others to grow and prosper. The inner critic will never be satisfied. No idea and no level of skill will ever be enough.
Start to learn piano. Start to love. Start to write the book you want to write. And if you fail? Do it again and again and enjoy this beautiful crazy show called life.
Have I won the fight? No. Not yet, maybe I will never. But the fact that you can read this article is the first step.